Monday, May 07, 2007

Victim's Gold Stars: A Red Cross

I'm halfway through my top ten countdown, and thus it is time to take a little detour into the black pit that is the worst of the year. These are the movies (and the people in them) that are so bad that they don't deserve graphics (no, it's not because I'm lazy)- these are the very nadir of 2006's movie experience. Brace yourselves. (This is strictly for FUN- please don't start berating me.)


Hayden Christensen, Factory Girl
The Star Wars-alumni suddenly swoops in and tears the film's clever self-conscious emptiness into a dull emptiness with a annoyingly mugging performance as someone who ISN'T Bob Dylan, I tells ya!

Aaron Eckhart, The Black Dahlia
I'm not sure who told Mr. Eckhart to contort his face so wildly whenever the camera looks at him, but I sure as hell wish they hadn't.

Noah Emmerich, Little Children
Emmerich is the sole member of the cast who actually fits into the skewed universe in which Little Children takes place: alienating, grotesque, hyper and disturbing.

Freddy Rodriguez, Lady in the Water
I like Freddy when he isn't forced into an admittedly thankless role and made to perform like a circus monkey. Nice arm.

Mickey Rourke, Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker
There aren't 300 rows in the cinema, Mickey. We can hear you just fine. And see you, unfortunately for us.


Shohreh Aghdashloo, The Nativity Story
Stop smirking, Shohreh. Just because you're miraculously pregnant doesn't mean you have to start being sickly sweet two months early.

Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
She can sing, sure. But she can't act, even when she's singing.

Laura Linney, Driving Lessons
I think she's supposed to be Welsh. But, like Sir Anthony Hopkins, she seems to be even less clued in than the audience about where she's from. And she's so upset that she starts shrieking! Stop it, Laura! Please, for the love of god!

Idina Menzel, Ask the Dust
Who are you and why are you living next to a fairground?

Hilary Swank, The Black Dahlia
What is she wearing? Is that real hair? She doesn't look like Mia Kirschner, does she? What is she doing? What is she saying? Why is she here?

A little respite... here are five diam
onds in the rough. (I'm not sure how they all ended up being women, but there you go.)

Amy Adams, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

The Junebug star is barely in this atrocity and yet still manages to be luminescent, suddenly swooping in for a gorgeous monologue before, sadly, subjecting herself to Will Ferrell's hung
ry lips.

Jennifer Connelly, Little Children
Superbly attuned to the childish and suspicious nature of her sidelined character, Connelly pierces her scenes with a stunning precision, eyes watching her husband and his new 'friend' like a hawk.

Jodelle Ferland, Tide
To be fair Tideland isn't awful- it's just extremely alienating. Ferland, as the central character, proves a terri
fic find, no traces of Dakota Fanning-esque precociousness in her unbalanced character's oddities, throwing herself totally into Gilliam's strange world.

Diane Lane, Hollywoodland
Lane is an unexpected warmth in the corner of this extraordinarily dull movie, bringing pathos and emotion to an underwritten part and giving her scenes the necessary nervous ed

Amy Smart, Crank
Miss Smart is subjected to rather nasty things in
the course of Crank's hyper-active running time, yet remains charismatic, knowing and exciting.

And now back to...


Adrien Brody, Hollywoodland

Whenever he reappeared on-screen, my already deadened heart sank several metres. Go. Away.

Tom Hanks, The Da Vinci Code
Nice hair. Are there no showers near the Louvre?

Kevin Kline, A Prairie Home Companion
This is a film about radio, right? So
remind me: why the private dick? And more importantly, why is Kevin trying to look like he's come straight from The Maltese Falcon?

Sean Penn, All the King's Men
Mr. Penn is so loud and bombastic that I'm pretty sure even the penguin
s dancing around the North Pole got what he said. Well, they heard it- god knows if they understood it, because I didn't.

Alex Pettyfer, Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreak
I'm thankfully no longer a young teenage boy, but even so, I just wanted to punch this smug pretty boy into the Thames.


Cate Blanchett, Little Fish
Wake up, Cate! They're filming! It's time to act now. Oh, you are?

Kate Bosworth, Superman Returns
Lois Lane is supposed to be a fiery cracker of a woman. Kate Bosworth acts like someone poured one hundred pints of water over her heard and slapped her after each one.

Keisha Castle Hughes, The Nativity Story
If she's Mary, I'm the Archangel Gabriel. Oh, sorry Mr. Siddig. I forgot they already hired you.

Julie Walters, Driving Lessons
I'm recoiling and she's not even touching me.

Renee Zellweger, Miss Potter
She's blotchy, garish and alarmingly bonkers. Run, children, run!


5. Ask the Dust
It's entirely hollow: not even the sets look realistic, they're reminiscent of a Pleasantville-style enclosed set, and the director is even stupid enough to film at the edges. When you manage to make the naked frolicking of Colin Farrell and Salma Hayek boring, you're in major trouble.

4. Driving Lessons
Julie Walters smiles and yells, Laura Linney shrieks and pops her eyes, and Rupert Grint cowers in fear. If you think its bad while you're watching it, just wait for the end. It's ten times as horrifying.

3. Just My Luck
The jokes are just too easy with that title. What universe does this take pl
ace in? I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

2. Lady in the Water
The setting of M. Night Shyamalan's latest indulgency is an apartment block that seems to be the little swampy brother of Narnia. Is it strange that this, too, doesn't seem to ta
ke place in any recognisable universe, even though it protests to? I mean, I know it's full of strange creatures, but the people are supposed to be from Earth, right? Right? Oh, sorry, Night, you can't hear me- your head is lodged firmly up your own ass.

1. Apocalypto
Speaking of asses... Apocalypto isn't just immoral and despicable and horrifying and useless and devoid of any purpose whatsoever, but it's just bad filmmaking. The camera doesn't know where it's going, the script seems to have been written by a three-year-old, and- a-ha!- someone gave the editor Milos's crazy scissors! Step away from the camera, Mel, and no-one'll get hurt.

Victim's Gold Stars will resume normal service very soon. And no, I'm not going to mention Spider-Man 3.


Scott said...

Yay! So there is someone else in this world who didn't like Cate Blanchett in Little Fish. Generally, I just don't like Blanchett though, so that probably had something to do with it... Nonetheless, 2006 was NOT a good year for Cate.

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with you about Cate Balcnhett in "Little Fish", in fact I think she's a good performance in an aussie film about a junkie girl. The film is fine but Cate is outstading