BAFTA Liveblogged

18:58: Welcome. Thank you for joining me for this evening. I'll be attempting to be your witty and debonair host for the evening. We're here for just over half an hour of red carpet first, then I'll be nipping out of the room for a few minutes to check that those entrees aren't burning. Then back at 8:00 for two hours of the ceremony itself, where both BAFTA and I will be ignoring that they've already released all the winners. And trying to put up with Jonathan Ross' inane but edited scriptural annoyance.

19:02: It's Claudia Winkleman. Hopefully since this is BBC3 she'll be allowed to go completely nuts on these stars' asses. (Lady GaGa here joins the pantheon of montage musicians. I bet we hear Duffy tonight.)

19:03: It's Bond and his woman. He's presenting Best Actress, aka Kate Winslet. Oh Christ Claudia's asking kids' questions. Bond doesn't have any pets. Good, he'd probably give them martinis.

19:04: Claudia's gone all soft and concerned for the first of the Best Film profiles (Milk). Time to wax lyrical. Emile Hirsch looks a bit rough in his interview section. Wash your hair, man, you're a film star. (Well, you will be.)

19:06: Claudia is chatting to Wossie. How much better is she than him? They're obsessing over the Cruz. Wossie tries hard to seem interested until the completely bonkers question makes him go childish and insane. He's informing us about an apparent Sheen / Frost double-act.

19:08: She's captured Jolie and Pitt. He looks remarkably old. Angelina laughs generously at Claudia's aggressive charm. Yes, Claudia, let's go for the old "rivalry" question. They won't have heard that before. Aww, Brad takes the chance to be sweet about Angelina. And Claudia takes the cue to introduce the Benjamin Button bit.

19:11: Dress montage. Nice to see Thandie Newton still gets to come to this thing. First Kate appearance of the night there, and Dev Patel is nice and reserved about his posh togs.

19:13: Claudia is striking a nice balance between professional and her trademark crazy. I love this woman. She's currently taking us around the "style suites", where we get a bitchy remark on Paris Hilton. Ha.

19:15: It's Goldie Hawn. She "loves it". At least these kids' questions are offbeat, although to be honest I could see Claudia coming up with them herself. The crowd love Goldie! She's wearing a very large silver necklace. I'm not precisely sure why she's here.

19:16: Ron Howard is hard to hate just because of Arrested Development. It's just not possible. And he seems like a nice guy. (Plus he has red hair. Although I hope I don't end up looking like him- i.e. bald.) He links to his film's bit.

19:20: Gemma Arterton has strapped her body firmly in a rather plain tight black necked dress. (Vintage Dior, apparently.) She's presenting Sound. Gemma is basically one of the crowd who's managed to cross over.

19:21: Kate! Claudia wants to lick her shoulder. Don't we all, Claudia, don't we all. Kate's still "really excited to be here". Ooh, Claudia's asking her to pick which role she wants to win for! Kate obviously evades that question. She hasn't written a speech. Panic stations, people.

19:25: Claudia's going to boss Mickey Rourke around. Not to be juvenile, but he is very cool. He looks coolly around as he chats. Claudia asks after the dogs, one of which is sick, apparently. Aww. Claudia agrees with me on the cool front. (We are totally soulmates.)

19:26: Holy crap, Penelope Cruz! She looks HOT. She gives the Kate spiel about being happy to be here, and then tries to run off! Claudia has to hustle her back. And then obviously brings back horrid childhood memories about being called "antelope".

19:27: Ugh, Danny Boyle. He may be fifty but he looks like a kid who's been given fifty Christmas presents. Yada yada yada. Don't waste my time, you'll have your moment later.

19:32: Claudia's got Dev Patel, who looks like he's about to explode. His eyes are alarmingly wide. Yada, more Slumdog love-in-ness. No, I'm not jealous that Dev is only eighteen and on the BAFTA red-carpet with a Best Actor nomination. How dare you suggest such a thing.

19:33: Cleverly, Claudia tells us what channels the actual show is on as the screen tells us otherwise. She is, however, the correct one. Well, folks, the red carpet is over already (well, it's been over for ages), so join me back here in twenty-five minutes for the ceremony itself.

19:59: We're back online. Get ready for Jonathan and NO CONTROVERSY.

20:01: Noel Clarke is officially an idiot. He wants Brad Pitt (for Benjamin Button!) and Slumdog to win. Well, you know what Noel, I hope you LOSE. Which you will. Is Michael Cera here?

20:02: I know they have to say that it's been "another amazing year" for film, but I'm beginning to discover just how untrue that is. Old news, I know, but there we go. And, yes, Christian Bale's rant has already come up.

20:04: Nice dig at Kate's double and their unfortunate effect on Wossie's speech impediment. It's hard to hate Ross since he's been edited. It's also hard to care. But we can all appreciate a Pierce Brosnan dig.

20:06: Aww. Ross has given all the winners free licence to do whatever they want... within 30 seconds. Kate takes the joke with an adorable chuckle. First appearance in the clipreel goes to... Heath Ledger. Shall we take bets on that now? I'll go for Christopher Nolan.

20:09: (Thanks to Lisa, my first commenter!) Oh Jesus, there was a clip of Jumper in that montage. I never thought I'd have to remember that film again. First award is for... Music. (If Mamma Mia! wins this we may as well kill ourselves now.)

20:10: Everyone's favourite Brit- er, Australian, Kylie is presenting. Nice coup. (Mamma Mia! gets an alarmingly loud round of applause.)
I predict: Slumdog Millionaire
Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

20:12: Indeed it is. A.R. Rahman seems quite shy. He keeps it short and sweet. Next up is Sound. Gemma Arterton's dress is more sparkly that it looked before.
I predict: Slumdog Millionaire
Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

20:14: Generous applause for the sound men. Everything's "fantastic" for the one two who gets to speak, and they thanks everyone in concise fashion. Next is Make-Up, Hair and Prod. Design.

20:16: I feel like I haven't seen Emily Mortimer for years. She's presenting with the "Darcy-licious" Matthew MacFayden. Production Design goes first.
I predict: The Dark Knight
Winner: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

20:18: Slumdog loses for the first time. Donald Graham Burt can't be there, but the other one (apologies!) gives most of the speech over to him anyway. Make-Up and Hair:
I predict: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Winner: ^ (Like Emily, they can't believe that someone made Brad look old. It's not hard. The BBC managed it earlier.)

20:22: The producer accepts for them and says thank about twelve times. And gets off sharpish. Next up is Cinematography, one of the most interesting categories that will sadly be won by the most uninteresting nominees.
I predict: Slumdog Millionaire
Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

20:24: Anthony Dod Mantle looks unkempt and slightly like Grayson Perry. He's very... handsy. Danny Boyle is held to rapt attention, as Dev looks upwards gaping like a lunatic.

20:26: Amy Adams is presenting Best Adapted Screenplay, looking lovely in blue and NOTHING LIKE A SQUIRREL. She reads with a tilted head. Fix your neck, love. Slumdog gets the usual whoops.
I predict: Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire
Winner: ^

20:28: Will there come a point where a Slumdog win is greeted not by gasps and excitement but quiet acceptance? Doubtful. Except on this end. Beaufoy rabbits about how he had a fake BAFTA. Freida Pinto looks pretty and vacant. (Just like in the movie.)

20:30: The lengthily titled Carl Foreman Award For British Filmmaking (or something along those lines) is presented by Thandie Newton is a slinkie. Oh wait, that's her dress. She doesn't read from the screen but from an ickle card.

20:32: That may be the first time a clip from Of Time and the City is actually allowed to feature Terence Davies' plummy vocals.
I predict: Steve McQueen for Hunger
Winner: ^

20:33: Excellent. First win I can actually get behind. He's wearing a kilt! He keeps it short and sweet. Next up is Outstanding Contribution to British Filmmaking. Obviously this is slightly different from the previous award. Jason Isaacs looks debonair and explains that they're not honouring a person but two places: Pinewood Studios and Shepperton Studios.

20:38: The CEO, accepting this award, has evidently memorized a speech. Meryl Streep, for some reason cut to, looks bored. This guy is rather dry. I know these studios are wooden, but really. Get on with it. Emma Watson, ever-present, also looks like she's being slowly bored to death.

20:39: Next up is Original Screenplay, otherwise known as the Safe Haven Category. Michael Sheen and David Frost, your moment is here. Such a thing is hard to resist. I'd laugh if it weren't so ludicrously obvious and rehearsed. (Although hearing Frost say "Come on baby, do the fornication" might have made it worth it.)
I predict: Martin McDonagh, In Bruges
Winner: ^ (score!)

20:43: Brendan Gleeson accepts. He's such a lovely guy. He apologises on Martin's behalf to the people of Bruges, who I'm sure are all watching with rapt attention. Costume Design is next, and Ross takes the opportunity to make a salad joke. And, oh dear, here are the Slumdog kids. Are they still kids?
I predict: Michael O'Connor, The Duchess
Winner: ^ (I really based that prediction on the surprisingly enormous cheer that got. I'm a cheat.)

20:46: Some funny business as O'Connor kisses Freida twice. Although she seemed to be the one insisting. Since Keira is evidently absent, we cut to Dominic Cooper, which is a fair trade-off if you ask me. A wide shot does O'Connor no favours as we see Ross and the kids shuffling impatiently. Wrap it up, O'Connor. Next up: Film Not in the English Language. Try guessing this one.

20:48: Marisa! You're here! Excuse me while I enter The Rapture momentarily. She leans casually in her off-the-shoulder slinky slivery number. These awards now hold no meaning.
I predict: Persepolis (eh, why not?)
Winner: I've Loved You So Long

20:51: Really, BAFTA? Really? The guy doesn't speak good English, says he. And gets off quickly. Does this prefigure a KST win? She looks nice in the audience.

20:52: Sharon Stone is here to present Outstanding British Film- and, yes, Girls Aloud have entered the great pantheon of background music. Sigh. Anyway. Sharon's doing odd things with her neck as she talks. And doesn't blink. And can't read properly. Slumdog may be nominated here but since that's winning the big award I'd be absurd for it to win here. Now watch me regret not going for Hunger.
I predict: In Bruges
Winner: Man on Wire

20:55: Well, at least it wasn't Mamma Mia!. Actually, this is probably the best of the nominees, so hooray! A deserved win. They rush through the speeches because they haven't prepared one. Graciously, they thank Phillippe Petite (however that is spelt), and Ross announces that we're moving to BBC1. This won't hurt a bit...

21:02: The channel split means that we basically get the same opening montage of red carpet stuff we've already seen. And Ross does his own intro, and we are forced to endure a montage of the (mostly) rubbish films that this organization think qualify for the category of "Best". And I think I've now seen Sean Penn say "No. But god knows we keep trying!" so many times I'll be mouthing those words along with him tomorrow evening.

21:05: Supporting Actress is first. Since Viola is conspicuously absent, this category surely belongs to Marisa. No? (Penelope can have it, I can't judge yet.) But Tilda Swinton? Freida Pinto? Please. Even James McAvoy can't make these selections comprehensible.
I predict: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Winner: ^

21:08: Penny gives new bestie Kate Winslet a big smacker just before she steps on stage (Kate is right at the front, natch). Gracious, Kate looks like she's about to burst with pride. What a wonderful friendship to consider. Penny dedicates the award to the other nominees, all of whom smile without any apparent malice. I'm not sure that Amy Adams is capable of that emotion...

21:10: Oh, THAT's why Emma Watson is here. She's presenting Special Visual Effects. She appears to be wearing muscle shells on the top of her dress.
I predict: The Dark Knight
Winner: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

21:12: Excuse the language, but shit on a stick. I typed that first. First Guy's wife is already weeping. Give over. And I can't believe I only just noticed that Brad Pitt has a moustache.

21:14: Ross seems to think that the fact that Goldie Hawn gave us Kate Hudson is a good thing. Jonathan, I know you're an idiot, but... Anyway, Goldie's presenting Supporting Actor. She makes a smashing moment over her inability to read. "Oh my god, I can't read any more!" Maybe you had to be there.
I predict: Christopher Nolan
WinnerAcceptee: Who's this guy?

21:17: Goldie chokes as she reads out Heath's name. This is the inevitable downbeat moment of the night. Whoever is accepting is quick and gracious. And BAFTA takes this moment to continue the sadness and play the clipreel of people we've lost.

21:23: It's the Rising Star Award. Ross says "interesting", I say "predictable". I'd be surprised if Michael Cera doesn't pick this up (see: Shia LeBeouf, who's presenting), and I don't think he's even here. Why isn't Gemma Arterton nominated for this? She might've stood a chance. (Watch Michael Fassbender win now or something.) Not that I begrudge Michael Cera anything.

21:25: Noel Clarke? Oh frick. I did NOT say that stuff earlier. Erase it from your memories.
That done, what the fuck? Noel Clarke is annoying. Go away. And take off that stupid cravat or whatever it's called. And stop trying to be Barack Obama.

21:26: Next up is Best Director. Step forward Danny Boyle. It's Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart! Amazing. They take the chance to plug 'Waiting for Godot'. You can't be mad at them. Their voices are too sonorous. Couldn't you listen to them talk all day? If I do bald I want to look like Patrick Stewart.
I predict: The Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Winner: ^

21:30: This is getting very boring. Keep it short, Boyle. Oh dear, he's rabbiting about David Lean and his father and electrics... Dangerous territory, going near the "young actors", Danny, haven't you been reading the news? His son, a twat, yells out "I love you dad!", but it's less charming and more yobbish.

21:32: Leading Actress now. This is Kate's unless a vote-split lets KST in, and since those two are the best in this category (in the absence of Anne and Melissa), I won't complain. And even if Meryl wins at least she gives good speech. (Bond is the presenter, by the way.)
I predict: Kate Winslet, The Reader
Winner: ^

21:35: You could barely hear which film she won for there. As if it matters. Daniel knows. Kate's already breathless. She's pawing at the award like it might escape her grasp. She shares it win Anthony Minghella and Sydney Pollack, which is a nice way to curtail any weeping... Is it just me or does her dress actually have a W built into it?

21:37: Marion Cotillard still exists! What a shame. She's presenting Lead Actor. She drags out her spiel in excruciating fashion. Brad Pitt recieves an uncomfortably warm round of applause, as does Dev Patel. Please say no.
I predict: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Winner: ^

21:40: Excellent. Keane's "Spiralling" might be too dangerous a choice for this moment. Mickey admires the trophy, and Mickey is bleeped! Got to love the bleepage. Does this make Mickey the Oscar frontrunner now? Mickey is getting the best laughs of the night. And for an unknown reason he dedicates it to Richard Harris. Wait, what?

21:42: Ross makes an actual funny joke! He says that Mickey is now suspended for two months. Mick Jagger, for whatever reason, is going to give Slumdog it's final award of the night (Best Film). Is anyone keeping count? Mickey's opened the floodgates for swearing as Mick jumps on board. Mick makes some jokes about how various actors are engaged in an exchange programme with musicians- including the entire Pitt family doing The Sound of Music. The Pitts lap it up. Good thing someone funny has arrived to ease the pain.
I predict: Slumdog Millionaire
Winner: ^

21:46: Big applause for Slumdog. Producer Christian Coulson reaffirms Slumdog's "fairy-tale" status as the camera flits around the various people involved. Well, that was a fun evening, was it not? Personally, I forgot that there was only one film released last year. Wait, Slumdog was released this year? What?

21:48: To end the night, Jonathan Price- who is NOT one of our "best stage and screen actors", Ross- is giving the Fellowship award to Terry Gilliam. If only for Twelve Monkeys, I am perfectly okay with this award. Jeff Bridges gets a video slot and shows how fun and bonkers he is.

21:55: You want a great Brad Pitt performance, watch Twelve Monkeys. This is what this long clipreel tells me. Big applause- although not as big as for Slumdog- and I am almost ready to wrap this thing up. Finally.

21:58: Terry makes good speech and produces a hilariously long list of the "little people" who "never get thanked" that he doesn't actually read because then we'd be here all night. Vociferous applause as he leaves, as though the audience too can't wait for this to end. Come on, Ross, wrap it up already.

21:59: And we're done. Almost. Quick clips of the other awards that aren't important- Short Film, Short Animation (Wallace and Gromit!), Editing (wait, this isn't important? Slumdog won this one too), and Animated Film (Wall-E).

22:01: Now we're done. This was both boring and fun at once, but it was certainly an experience for me. Thanks to Lisa for commenting, and you for reading, and goodnight.